The Offer
by lil-alfeegi-clone
Summary: SanZo/ZoSan fic. You don't like slash, don't read. Zoro experiences some difficulties and Sanji offers a helping hand, surprisingly without a price.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: One Piece isn't mine.

Warnings: ZoSan or SanZo, that sort of gist. Also, minor embarrassment/humiliation of the guys.

On with the tale!

At dinner for the past few nights, the marimo had been looking like someone had used his haramaki as a substitute for toilet paper. And it didn't look as though his mood was going to improve anytime soon. Especially as even Luffy was avoiding the swordsman for fear of being on the receiving end of his apparent sense of humor failure.

Sanji had gone out of his way to make all of Zoro's favorite dishes that evening, and had even sat beside him to fend off Luffy when the captain tried to steal the swordsmans portions on one of his braver (or was that foolish?) moments. Even slipping Zoro a third serving didn't put the man in a better mood. The blond had known better than to ask him to help with the dishes that night. Long nose could do it, at least two of them could keep out of the moody guys way doing that. The other's would have to fend for themselves.

It was a few hours after the cook had finished doing the weekly stocktake and departed for the mens bunk room, that he realised that not all parties were present in the sleeping quarters. Luffy, Chopper and Franky were snoring in a disturbing harmony that was a mellow background to Brookes gentle 'yohohooo' that seemed to coincide with the motion of the ship as it rolled on the waves. Two were notable by their absence.

He knew Usopp was on watch that night, so the girls would be in their bedroom, so that left Zoro.

So where was the marimo? Obviously not up in the gym, Usopp, being on watch, wouldn't stay in the crows nest if Zoro was up there exercising himself into a frenzy. So where else would he be? He'd locked the galley, so there would be no chance of any 'midnight-sleepwalking-snack-fests' that Luffy was often prone to. And he knew from previous observations that the green haired man wouldn't bother breaking in somewhere if it resulted in a earfull from Namiswan and a steep increase to his debt.

Curiosity began to nibble temptingly at him, encouraging him to look for the miserable bastard to see what it was that was driving him to distraction. Specifically to moody and sullen distraction.

Though Sanji loved the Sunny, he had to confess that finding someone on the now larger ship, meant that it took a good hour to find someone if you had no idea where they were and couldn't summon them with a scream because everyone was asleep. Therefore a logical search was in order. He wasn't in the bunk room or the galley, and he wouldn't be in either Franky's workshop or Usopp's Factory. That left the aquarium and the library, but not the girls bunk room or the crows nest. It also left the bathroom and the toilet, as well as Nami's map room (which Sanji knew Zoro thought he had a good stash of sake but Nami had sold it soon after), the upper decks and the docking system below decks.

So he decided to go to the aquarium, as he knew the Marimo had a habit of meditating there when there was the lull after lunchtime. When he arrived though, there was only an octopus attached to the window, glaring at him pointedly. He shrugged and moved on.

As he walked through the ship he contemplated all that could be bothering the meathead. Was it the swordsmans time of the month? He snickered as he lit up a cigarette. Was it because he was pissed that he'd missed a few days training because he was unconcious? That was probably it. Though it may have been more about how Zoro hadn't fully recovered and had accidentally let it show during their fight with the flying fishmen and his...ugly poster thing double, Doofus? Dougal? Duval? Doovie?

It was after Sanji had checked the bathroom that he realised he'd been trailing ash everywhere, and, much to his almost but not quite annoyance remembered how soundly his lovely Namiswan had scolded him for it. A trip to the closet was in order, there was an invention of Usopp's in there that both swept and held the dirt. If he was careful he wouldn't have to empty it.

And in that closet Sanji found not only his patented Usopp Cleaning device, but one very irritated looking swordsman, who, as Sanji stood there dumbstruck, was getting increasingly more vexed as the blond stood there, mouth agape.

"If you don't mind shit cook." It wasn't actually a question, and if Sanji hadn't been well versed in marimo-ese then he'd have completely missed the 'fuck off' inflection that was the true meaning of that statement. He straightened himself up and decided against lighting another cigarette.

"And, pray tell dear Roronoa, what _are_ you doing, using a closet of all places for such an act?" He tried to keep the shit-eating-grin off of his face but when Zoro's ear's and neck went that particular shade of red he just couldn't help himself.

"You know what the hell I'm doing, I'm just wondering why you're still here."

Sanji grinned. And that sentence, he noted, was roughly translated as 'fuck off, I'm having a private moment you fuckwit'. He shrugged and reached forwards, deliberately brushing against the swordsman as he plucked his quarry. The vaguely offended sounding gasp that resulted only made his smirk widen.

He leaned back and rested absently against the broom thing and cocked his head to the side. He had the swordsman cornered and with his pants down, he couldn't ask for a better situation with which to pry the truth from the marimo's stubborn lips.

"Now, what's crawled up your arse and died a martyrs death Zoro? Did a few days of missed training get your goat?"

A glare and that good old fashioned brand of Zoro-style tenacity was his answer.

"Okay, that's a no. How about this? You had a bit of a relapse when we were disposing of flying fishmen a few weeks back? Was that what put a kink in your armour?"

That glare again. Interesting. So it was neither. What could it possibly be then? To wind the swordsman up to this irritation level, it had to be something pretty personal.

"If I tell you, will you leave me alone?" The query caught him off-guard but he covered it with a raised eyebrow.

"Sure, if you continue your business in the toilet like us normal fellows." That got a roll of the eyes and a shrug. Zoro made to close the door but Sanji stuffed a foot against it and in the position Zoro was in he couldn't budge it at all.

"Spill. My lips are sealed."

Zoro shifted and hitched up his trousers, tucking himself in and buckling the belt. With the hiss of a zipper he stepped out awkwardly towards the cook who backed up enough to give him some room and made a beeline for the bathroom.

"Bathroom is that way genius." Sanji pointed as he swept up the remains of his last cigarette as they walked. Zoro mumbled something about bad habits that Sanji resolutely ignored and propped the device against the wall as they reached the bathroom.

In the doorway Zoro turned around and blocked it, preventing the cook from walking in with him. He looked around, making sure they were alone before he looked to the blond confirmation that this conversation wouldn't be shared with anyone else aside from those who were present. Sanji nodded in annoyance and waved the swordsman on.

"Come in, I'd rather not discuss this in a corridor." He moved aside and motioned for the other man to enter, which he did with a curious glance at the now furtive looking man who took a moment to adjust his trousers before following him in and closing the door.

The closing door seemed to make the swordsman clam up, which in turn made the cook more vocal.

"I'm here, now tell me what the fuck is bothering you?" Sanji growled.

Zoro sighed and looked directly at him. Sanji returned the look and resisted the temptation to warn Usopp later that Zoro had been 'polishing' his fourth sword over his favorite broom. The silence stretched and Zoro shifted uncomfortably again.

"I've had trouble getting off."

Sanji blinked. Was he serious?

"You mean..."

"The only result I've got is fucking chaffing, it's driving me up the wall." Zoro frowned and then shook his head. "What do you do?"

"You're straight forward I'll give you that." Sanji flicked his lighter and pulled loose his tie to give himself a moment to think. It wasn't as if it was the first time someone had approached him with such a question, but that had been someone else, in a totally different situation.

"What's your technique? Do you prefer to make the most of it or is it a case of getting it over and done with."

Zoro snorted disdainfully. "I know how to please myself cook, and no, I don't bloody dawdle over it."

"Hmmm." Sanji scratched his chin thoughtfully. Zoro was obviously used to a certain technique which was only failing to do the job recently...perhaps a change of pace?

"Have you tried in the shower? Or maybe with lube?" A raised eyebrow and another noise of reproach.

"I use a shower to clean, and it's not as is the witch gives me enough money to buy that sort of stuff. Considering everything I buy she takes a record of." It was Sanji's turn to object in contempt.

"She's no witch, and being as deeply in debt as you are I can't blame her for keep a tab on you. Not that you buy anything other than sword-crap and booze."

They glared at each other for a few moments before Zoro twitched and then massaged his temples in a vague attempt to recall his temper.

"Back on track cook." He said.

"When did you last get laid? As in a visitation to the-"

"You know damn well I don't go in for that kind of thing stupid-brow. I have a few acquaintances and I stick to them, not like the brothels you probably attend at every port, Ero-cook."

Sanji bristled. "I do not, as a matter of fact. I actually prefer it when interest in me is shown, rather than the other way around. It makes it more interesting, not that pursuit isn't the thrill of the chase." The blond glanced at Zoro, taking in his tense stance and current problem. "Sit down before you fall down Marimo."

Zoro shifted over to the edge of the bath where he perched cautiously as Sanji made himself comfortable leaning against the laundry basket. A hitch in breath told Sanji that perhaps this wasn't the time for a long drawn out discussion. By now Zoro was verging on a bad case of blue balls, and despite his occassional distaste for his navigationally-challenged nakama he concurred that he wouldn't want to be in Zoro's place right now.

"Well. Have any of your acquaintances given you a blow-job, or a hand-job?"

Zoro leant forwards to rest his head in his hands, winced at the position and thought better of it, choosing instead to rub the back of his neck.

"A hand-job, recently actually. But it wasn't that great and I've never liked blow-jobs." He shrugged, turning to look at the cook who was frowning slightly.

"Why not? A good blow-job is unreal! I've had a few that near on blew my mind that way. Much better than a hand-job at any rate."

Zoro disagreed. "I just don't like the idea of someone having to do that, being under that-" He scowled in frustration, "I just don't agree with it. It doesn't feel right."

Sanji made to protest but silenced himself. _He's obviously never had a good one, _he thought to himself. He could see where Zoro was coming from, _or where he wasn't, _Sanji thought with a snide internal smirk.

"Look, for every blow-job I've received I've always given back in turn." He announced too proudly for Zoro's liking.

"Oh please, I have no interest in your sexual exploits Curly-brow, just tell me how you do it and I'll try your way."

The blond sighed in frustration and ran his hands through his hair.

"Fine. I take it slow, I use lubricant or soap and I never, ever rush. And I don't just yank the chain I make sure the bells are polished too."

"Oh great. I told you I don't like to drag it out."

"And you just said you'd try it!" The chef all but shouted. "God marimo, are you going to at least attempt to do this differently or am I going to have to do this for you?"

It was a hugely uncomfortable silence that settled over the two pirates as the last sentence hung between them. Zoro blinked, then visibly flushed as Sanji swallowed loudly and wrung his hands in his shirt.

"Umm, yeah...I'll uh..." Zoro started and then stopped, as though realising that what he just said may have sounded completely different to what he actually meant by it, that, and Sanji noticed the the swordsman wasn't sitting so much as shuffling around on the edge of the bath looking increasingly more pained as the conversation developed. "Shit." Zoro flushed a deeper crimson than Sanji had ever seen him go. Curiosity was going to get him killed, it had already got him this far tonight, and the things he had found out...

"Who are you're acquaintances exactly?" Sanji inquired.

"Exactly that, acquaintances. Nothing more, nothing less." Zoro snapped quickly and winced visibly. Sanji had his suspicions.

"Male or female?" He quested further, this nagging just wasn't going to let him go. He just had to know if his suspicions about Zoro were right.

"What has that got to do with anything?" Zoro hissed, shifting uncomfortably again. The blond suddenly decided to throw caution to the wind.

"I'll help you out," he paused cautiously, "but only if you're inclined. I can't give you any more than that Zoro." He had made the offer. All that was to see now was whether Zoro would accept it.

The result was rather intriguing, Sanji noted to himself as a strangled noise erupted unbidden from Zoro's lips and the swordsman fell off the side of the bath, staring at him with a look that would have given Chopper a run for his money.


	2. A shower scene?

Thanks to Devlinn Reiko, Crazy Marimo, EeeveeTofu, La Lolita and Sei Hishida for the R&R's, all are muchly appreciated! Not to forget those who have added this to their story alerts - thanks to you :3 And finally to those who are lurker-readers (I know you're out there!) Thanks for reading too. :)

Here's the next bit. Enjoy :P

P.s - sorry about the odd line, the divider doesn't seem to be working :S

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I can't believe he just said that.

_"God marimo, are you going to at least attempt to do this differently or am I going to have to do this for you?" _It rings in my ears over and over again.

That sentence alone made my trousers another size too small, and when he said_ "I'll help you out, but only if you're inclined. I can't give you any more than that Zoro."_ I damn near black out.

Did he have any idea of what he was offering?

Seriously, the concept of Sanji's hands on me...or god forbid that mouth. I choke in a really unmanly way, but to my relief Sanji chooses to ignore it in favour of watching me with...was that concern? Couldn't be, after all Sanji's brand of concern for me is signed with a sharp kick to my ribs. I then slide ungracefully off of the side of the tub and onto my arse. Great, as if my testicles hadn't suffered enough over the past few days.

All I can do is stare at the idiot who's staring at me expectantly. It takes a few moments to register through the haze of pleasure and pain that he's waiting for an answer to The Offer.

In any other place, at any other time I may have taken him up on that offer or maybe even refused it.

However, I know my judgement is clouded, and I suspect he knows it too, because he shakes his head and mumbles something, but I can't hear it, the heady rush of blood pulsing in my ears drowns out any words he may or may not have said. Even so I feel relief as he fumbles with a cigarette, tucks it behind his ear and makes his way out of the bathroom with a brief wave. I can't help but lean back and wonder just what would he have done had he stayed.

The click of the door closing behind him on his way out relaxes me somewhat and I use the opportunity to loosen my trousers and pull out my dick. It comes as no surprise that I'm half wet already. It smears against my hands as I wrap a cautious hand around myself and start again, but this time I take it slower than usual. The bastard did say it worked for him afterall. A gentle touch, instead of my usual firm grip and a slow caress and suddenly I wonder what his hands would look like wrapped around my cock.

I tip my head back against the rim of the tub and bite back all the sounds I want to make, in case he's still outside. Not that he would be, but still, it'd be awkward if Luffy or anyone else were in earshot. I strangle another moan, slaying it before it has the chance to sound and realise that perhaps he was right...or maybe he wasn't, but whatever evaded me for the past few days, or maybe even weeks, that grasped me again was not by my own hands, but by the thought of his...long and slender...cool and steady.

"Fuck." I mutter, the moment I get my breath back.

As I sit there in the bathroom it occurs to me that the shit cook never actually mentioned women at all in reference to his 'exploits'. He'd probably launch into a lecture about his ridiculous _kishido_ and how he was a gentleman and as such would never kiss and tell. My muscles protest as I shift myself into a more comfortable position. Though I feel more relaxed than I have felt in a while I turn my thoughts to the the cook.

Sanji had offered to help me out, sexually. And for someone as girl-crazy as he was to offer such a thing was unprecedented, therefore leaving me with one of several conclusions.

The first was that Sanji, whilst declaring to the world his overbearing and rather obsessive preference for women, was actually inclined to bed either men or women. It was just that he prefered women, obviously. So door number one leaned towards Sanji being bisexual, or incredibly indecisive, of which the latter was much more probable than the former. I chuckle softly and stretch my legs out, working out the kinks in the muscles carefully.

The second equally intriguing thought that crossed my mind was the maybe Sanji was gay. The smile that suddenly crosses my face is usually the one that is the last thing that my opponents see as I cut them down. It actually makes sense because his freakish flirtations with the opposite sex may just be merely a guise to cover for his less conventional tastes, or maybe even to simply keep women away. That certainly sounded like a sound conclusion_, _because there was certainly enough evidence of Sanji repelling and pissing off more women than he attracted.

Whilst amusing I doubt this one, considering that I'd never actually seen the cook shy away from the prospect of a leer and I'd been present for the times, however few and far between they were, of him managing to cop a feel - or at least I'd heard the resulting slap.

So that left a third suspicion that tickles the edge of my thoughts like a sinful whisper in a bar just before closing time.

_What if it was just me? _

Or was it the bonds of Nakama perhaps? I ask myself as the previous thought made me frown in confusion. There was no reason to say that I was the only one who'd asked for the cooks help, and he certainly knew what he was talking about, even if it did annoy me somewhat to admit. He wasn't around though, so it wasn't as if he could rub it in my face. However, for as much as Sanji may have known it wasn't as if the guy was dropping his trousers for a demonstration, but why did that bother me? Doubt nags at me. It wasn't a feeling I was comfortable with, nor familiar.

_But what if it was just me? _ I snort in irritation. Damn question.

"Heh" I chuckle softly, remembering the old jibe. I shift back to my other trail of thought.

Usopp has a sweetheart, and from what I know of him he's far too shy to ask advice on anything of that sort from Sanji of all people. Besides, he has his lady-love, Miss Kaya back home waiting for him. So he was a definate no.

And Luffy? No way. I'm not going to, nor will I ever wonder about my captains sex life, existent or not. There are somethings a first mate knows to leave well enough alone. That was two out.

Franky? Robin has his balls covered apparently. And Chopper was just a kid in my eyes. True he had probably hit puberty, but without actually outright asking I doubt any light would be shed on that subject. Anyways, the doctor blushes and flusters over something as small as a kiss.

Brooke? If he did have any inclinations or desires then those were no longer an option for the poor bastard. Though he was all bones there was no chance of a boner there. I shouldn't grin, but I'm just as bad as the rest of them when it concerns bad jokes.

So it comes back to me.

What does Sanji want, if, in fact, he actually sees me as a potential bed-partner? It's making my head spin just thinking about it.

A shower might clear my head. The taps are easily used - '_thanks Franky'_ - because I think if they were more complex than switch on/off I'd be incapable of operating it, that's how drained I feel right now. But in a good way. The hot water eases some of the slight cramping in my calves from the position I'd been sat in. A few minutes of standing in that hot stream of water clears my head enough not to reach for the cooks fancy weird smelling shit that he uses to the good old fashioned soap.

I clean up quickly, more out of habit than out of necessity, scrubbing off the sweat, come and the rest of the dirt I had picked up today. The water is still running hot, where the shower in the Merry would have either gone completely, ball shatteringly cold, or dried up completely, so I decide to indulge myself and let the heat seep into my muscles. As the warmth loosens my muscles and I get accustomed to it I turn up the heat more, and find myself thinking of the damn cook again, albeit in a different context.

The rise in temperature brings sharply to my mind Sanji's Diable Jambe. A heat that appeared to go past skin, into the very depths of Sanji's mucles, probably even to the bone, boiling his very blood. Calves alight with flame and muscles tight and tense, how does he stand it? I haven't seen the cook sporting any burns though, and it wasn't as if the cooks trousers were burnt or frayed were they? I frown. It was brought about by extreme friction, but even then that would have left some mark on the cooks flesh. Could I use a 36 pound cannon blast to quench it? Or does it have to be drawn out and into something less forceful and more elemental perhaps. What if my swordsmanship alone can't counter it? I'd need to experiment with my surroundings, to see if i could find a way to beat it. I smirk widely. Kuina had set me on this path, Luffy had given me the best possible route to achieve it, maybe Sanji was one I could strengthen my blade with, so that when the time came for me to face Mihawk, I would finally be worthy of the title of greatest.

The sound of the soap dropping interrupts me from my thoughts and I snatch it mid-fall, mindful to put it back in the soap holder. I return to the cook again. I'll have to see if I can push him hard enough to use it with me when we spar tomorrow. It's a simple case of winding him up enough to get him to use that technique, even if it's just once.

It's something that I'd like to know how to counter without damaging my blades and again I contemplate how to fight the Diable Jambe. The heat would play hell with the metal if I were to block a shot like that. So it was a case of finding a technique...or maybe even a simple solution to the problem. Tipping my neck back I realize that I'm standing in the solution to my problem. It's running down me and pooling at my feet - '_what the fuck!?' - _I cringe as I realize that yet again hair is blocking the plughole, on closer inspection it's long, black and curly hair, mixed with what looks suspiciously like brown fur.

Sniffing in disgust I grab the nearest toothbrush and notice with a huge smirk that I've just found one way to start getting the cook sufficiently pissed off tomorrow.

As I dig out the crap with the bastard's toothbrush I smile.

Tomorrow will be one hell of a bust up.


	3. Wrong End of the Stick

The Offer, chapter the next.

Apologies for the lateness of this update, you'll be glad to know I'm going to be free to do more now, as my dissertation is finished! :D

And so, thank you to all who commented, added this story to their alerts list and faved in general, and I hope you enjoy this next chapter.

* * *

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Sanji screeched as he threw another sharp kick at Zoro's head.

The swordsman dodged again, and the cook snarled, why didn't that bloody green head stop snaking around? Why couldn't he just-

"Now San-chan, can't you play nice?"

-hit the bastard?

Blades and legs flew at near impossible speeds as the two fought out another argument with their weapons rather than their words. Nami looked on and decided that despite the noise and eventual clean-up that enevitably followed their sessions it was better than having Luffy involved too. The last time that had occurred Franky had lost his cool and 'super' demeanor after a rail had been wrecked. Needless to say Luffy didn't join in on Zoro and Sanji's little testosterone fueled matches now.

"Why the hell are you so bent on pissing me off fucker?" The cook landed a blow to Zoro's ankle, dislodging his opponents stance and providing an opening for a quick succession of blows to his hip and waist.

The first mate grunted appreciatively at the successful break of his defence and gave a few steps of ground between himself and the cook to regain his composure.

"Temper temper," he paused, thinking of another way to turn up the notch on Sanji's very obvious 'Rage' dial, "perhaps I better teach you how to deal with that rage eh shitty-cook? I could show you some great anger management if you ask me real nicel-"

A foot halted a few millimeters in front of the Wadou before sliding back and going straight for the handle of Kitetsu and almost got him had he not shifted his weight to his other side before knocking Sanji's legs out from under him. The cook backflipped and landed neatly a few meters in front of him, face flushed in anger, hair skewed every which way and suit looking decidedly unkempt. Zoro watched carefully as the blond removed his tie completely and chucked it over to where his suit jacket hung haphazardly from where the cook had thrown it when their match had began.

He noted with a rising sense of satisfaction that the other man was now removing his waistcoat and cufflinks those weights that he only removed when he was extraordinarily pissed with the swordsman. Not that a waistcoat or a pair of metal links made much of a difference but it still made enough difference when it came to the cooks speed. Pleased with this turn of events Zoro adjusted himself appropriately, waiting for the onslaught that was about to occur.

Sanji rolled up his sleeves and took his cigarettes and lighter out of his pockets, pausing to light one and take a calming drag before placing them with his discarded clothing, albeit with considerably more care. He looked up at him and spoke lowly around the cigarette, making Zoro have to concentrate on his voice for it was difficult to him over the thunder of adrenaline pumping through him.

"Unless you're feeling in a divulgatory mood, bastard Marimo, I'm going to beat it out of you. So, that said, are you going to tell me why you've been winding me up so often over the past few days or am I going to have to kick seven types of shit out of you?" He said calmly.

Zoro's answering smile was wild as he replied, "I'll go for door number two crap-cook", with relish and launched forward, swords raised into the onigiri form.

The blond dodged, which did not surprise the other man the slightest, but when he appeared suddenly face to face with him rather than a few steps to the side where he was supposed to be the swordsman was somewhat taken-aback. Especially when Sanji leaned forwards and hissed in his ear so their conversation was as private as it could be on the deck.

"Is this your idea of foreplay shit-head?" And with a snap of the hips he was out of range again, leaving Zoro feeling as though he'd completely wasted his morning and the past few days. The cook thought he was flirting with him? Flirting!? He stepped into the next attack and caught the chef's leg firmly before growling, with as much incredulity as the blond had used just moments ago-

"Where the fuck did you get that idea?" They glared at each other before springing apart and launching into another assault.

Each kick, whilst more violent and angry than before, was blocked with equal aggravation and ferocity.

Every cut, whilst precise and swift was evaded with more haste than grace.

After an exchange of several blows and blocks both men halted, panting slightly and keeping a watchful eye on the other. Sanji shifted, rolling the kinks out of his neck which in turn signaled the end of the altercation. Zoro sheathed both of his swords and removed his bandana, stomping across the deck in pursuit of the cook.

Nami turned another page of her paper and sighed, waiting for the continuation of the suddenly suspended battle in it's new location. Robin glanced up briefly and ever so slightly shrugged her shoulders. Well, they'd soon hear the conclusion.

____

Sanji dumped his clothing on the galley table and ran a hand through his hair. Frustration coloured his cheeks more than their confrontation had. The swordsman slammed the door behind him and propped himself against it, arms folded and face hardened in anger.

"You-" the blond started, then stopped, as though unsure of what he was going to say. He walked stiffly over to the fridge, stabbed the code into the padlock and hauled the door open peering inside and removing two bottles of beer.

"Catch."

Zoro caught it deftly and snapped off the top whilst the cook chose the more conventional bottle opener and flicked off the lid with a practiced twist of his wrist. For a few more moments the two men stood silently, drinking and glowering at each other over the rims of their bottles. Sanji walked over to the table, sat down and beckoned for him to join him in the opposite seat. The swordsman, feeling slightly calmer thanks to the beer shifted away from the door and seated himself, putting the bottle down on it a tad harder than he'd intended.

The staring match continued for some time, not even breaking when alternating between sips of the beer and swirling the remaining liquid in it's container. Finally the drinks were finished and the bottles discarded.

"Care to explain?" The blond said in a clipped tone. From the look on his face Zoro realised that the cook knew it had been him who'd been putting his dirty laundry back in with his clean clothing and possibly knew about many of the other numerous pranks he had executed in order to wind the cook up.

"Not until you tell me where you got the freakish deduction that I get off on fighting."

"Considering you fight all the time and obviously enjoy it, I naturally made the logical assumption that you get your kicks from, well, my kicks."

He sat back, smug with himself about what Zoro could only assume was his own detective work, even if it was wrong. He did not find anything erotic about beating the living snot out of an enemy, he wouldn't deny that a battle against a worthy opponent gave him a rush of adrenaline that couldn't be matched outside of the battlefield. Of course there was a rush he got from sparring with the cook, but it wasn't even remotely sexual.

"You're right about me enjoying a fight, but you're wrong about the rest."

"I'm sure." The cook replied snidely.

"I'm serious, you kicking the crap out of me is not a turn on, despite how hot you think you are." Zoro snapped.

"Oh-ho! I've touched a nerve!"

"Listen crap-cook-" he started, realised he was fighting a battle with an idiot and rolled his eyes.

"The lady doth protest too much." Sanji baited again, with a smirk. "Y'know, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Of course, you have no sense of shame so it doesn't really matter-"

"-no I don't have shame, I have dignity, and this conversation is an insult to it."

"Wow, smart words marimo, but I think we should just get to the point."

"And what point would that be?"

"To put it into terms you'd understand, you've been, metaphorically, 'pulling my pigtails'-"

With a scraping of wood Zoro fell clean off the bench in hysterics. Sanji spluttered, attempting to regain some hold on their conversation, but could do nothing as Zoro rolled from about, clutching his sides and trying to catch his breath through the bouts of laughter shaking his whole body.

"Shut up Asshat!" the cook yelled, jumping over the table to give the swordsman a good kicking, face crimson.

Luffy shot in as Sanji tried to stomp on Zoro's constantly evasive head and joined in.

"What's so funny guys?" The captain interjected as he shot through the door and landed on Zoro, who was still laughing and shifting his head out of range from Sanji's furious stomping.

"Stay the fuck still!" The blonds strikes hit only wood as the captain grabbed him around the waist and pulled him down into the pile, joining in the laughter. Zoro caught the expression on the cooks face as he tumbled into the mass of limbs that were his and his captains and burst into a fresh explosion of laughter.

"Why aren't you laughing Sanji?" Luffy asked curiously, attempting to pin both his nakama. The first mate grabbed both and sat on the captain and grappled the cook around his thighs.

"I'll make him laugh." Zoro grinned reaching up and running a finger up the cooks ribs. He gave wry smirk as the cook suddenly ceased all movement. Luffy continued to squirm under his nakama, trying to weasel out and get back on top of the dog pile. Sanji stifled the first bubble of laughter but couldn't contain himself as Luffy's wiggling fingers joined Zoro's at his sides.

"Nooooo!" Sanji cried as he was assaulted on both sides. "Stop! I can't-haahahahahaha! I-hahahahaha- can't breathe!"

"Captains orders! Keep going!"

"Aye Aye!"

"Arrrghhh! I'll kill you both!"

Sanji's laughter and screams drifted upwards onto the deck of the Sunny and over to the mikan grove where Usopp was waiting for Luffy to return so they could continue their game of hide and seek. Chopper who was in on the game looked at Usopp from his tree branch and shrugged. They were going to be forgotten again, it wasn't the first time Luffy, as the seeker, had been distacted from a game by something 'interesting'.

In the mean time, they'd leave Sanji to fend for himself.


End file.
